i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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