I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
