just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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