Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
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Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
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I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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