I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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