My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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