O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
