He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
