i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
