I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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