i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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