About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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