Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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