dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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