so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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