According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
