No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
