you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
