are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
