Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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