The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Text me some of your sweat
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