If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
