the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
