Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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