dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I need a burrito and a hug.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize