First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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