You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
