you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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