I'm pants shitting drunk right now
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
