When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
