That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
