Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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