I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
