she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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