i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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