put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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