Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
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He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
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Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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