did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
