Don't you send me to vm
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
