Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
