I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
