I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Randomize
