FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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