We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
