FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
