I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
