I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
