I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
