apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I wish there were birth control emojis
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
