Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
