i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
