a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We were destined to go to rehab together
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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