How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
