If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
