Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
