oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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