I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
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Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
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I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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