All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I believe in your delicious
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
