you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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