Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
