After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
