I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
